complete thought dump

My mom told me tonight, "It seems like you are split. Half of you wants this grad school thing, wants to teach. The other half just wants to get on a jet and go."

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's so true and I hate saying that! I wish I was a little more committed one way or the other but I've made the lists and I am just so stuck on this very wide lane towards... The future... And I'm just staying on it until I'm struck by lightening or something.

The thing is that I am in love with the suitcase, on-the-go life when it means I am seeing the world. The world outside of American suburbs and fast food. People that I can't meet anywhere else. I am so obsessed with learning the streets of cities that I don't know and that nobody I know knows. I get weak in the knees, light-headed, high-pitched-sigh-excited looking at plane tickets to anywhere and everywhere.

But I am also very in love with my family. My mom is my best friend and I can't seem to get her to go anywhere. On top of that, my mom's parents, who I am also in love with, are not in good health; that means no traveling and limited time left with them in this life. I am watching my closest friends fall in love and get married and sign themselves up for things like mortgages and jobs and kids; I know you can't have anything if you don't work at it, but at what point do I leave the "meeting guys" up to fate? And all of this doesn't even touch on the issue of money. All systems say I'm at the place in life where I should be looking for a salary. A job. A home. Stability and security.

As of two weeks ago, ten grad school applications are waiting in the balance.

I love history and I love research. My network of professors that I have been blessed to work with for the past few years has made me feel more accepted, appreciated and hopeful than any other group of people in my life. Academia has always had an important place in my heart and really I've lived for nothing else. Teaching is important to me, and I can see myself doing that, especially at a university level that would also require college group work, writing, etc. A life in academia could afford me the security I need to be an independent adult (even if it takes ten years to find a place that will have me) and the flexibility of someone who wants to raise a family. In addition to this, if I am good at what I do, I could eventually earn the ability to travel abroad for both professional and personal purposes.

I can't see myself doing something as flimsy as guiding tours, travel writing, or straight-up Ernest Hemingwaying my way through Europe. An American job would keep me relatively close to family. I could even get a house someday, maybe.

Oh, but tonight, I couldn't care less about whether or not I ever own my own house. I know that anywhere is just a flight away. I am so used to falling back on my parents, especially for financial assistance, that I am (foolishly) willing to give into my heart's greatest desire to teach English in any country for any amount of time and then pack up and do it all over again somewhere else. If I meet a guy I meet the guy! I can't stop anyone from living or dying. Do what makes you happy! Who knows what could happen?

If I was the kind to use inappropriate language I would use it all right HERE.

Why, why do these months drag and beg these questions that I can't answer and that no one can answer because nobody has seen my life play out in all the ways it could and knows the choices I should make for the most optimal experience why why why why why why why why why