why spiderman can never settle down

This goes for most superheroes, but Spiderman especially.

I feel like Spiderman (besides Batman, who does not actually have any super powers besides being smoking hot and rich) is the one superhero who could get away with living a normal life if he chose to put his days of spidering behind him. That being said, everyone knows that superheroes spurn this decision because of the Unspoken Hero Code: as soon as you know you are a superhero, you cannot live the life of a normal civilian. Ever.

Sucks for Spiderman! I mean, it's not like he's ever depicted as the kind of kid that is about to be accepted to Yale on full scholarship, nor is he intensely interested in anything academic, so maybe he would have been a laundromat worker for his whole life and hated it. But who doesn't want to get married and have kids at some point? And that option is impossible for Spiderman.

I think I am thinking about Spiderman so much because it is my unofficial Thanksgiving movie, and Thanksgiving is next week. Why think about Constantine's Donation and its effect on Charlemagne's inheritance when you could be thinking about Peter Parker?

Anyways, this is exactly why Spiderman could never settle down: the creation of a mutant hero demands the separate, and usually inorganic creation of multiple mutant antagonists. Those antagonists, like the black ninjas in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Sega Video Game, will miraculously revive and multiply no matter how many times you think you've nunchucked/spidered them to death. If Spiderman chose to have a family, buy a little house (what kind of benefits do you get as a masked superhero? nothing? you get to own the laundromat you would have otherwise been a cashier at?) ((so actually buying the house is going to be up to Mary Jane. she had a career plan, right?)), have a dog, you know... The mutant antagonists would be repeatedly kidnapping the family, burning the house down, and killing the dog. That's what they do.

Because Spiderman is bound to the UHC, and by virtue of the fact that he is a mutant and therefore mutant enemies will always be in the picture, it is impossible for him to have what we all want him to have. Familial happiness.

Sorry PP. Truly.