awkward apology post

This afternoon, the sky was dark gray, and the wind was cold, and on any other day I would have saved myself the potential wet trek home because it looked like it was definitely going to rain, but I couldn't help myself; I walked down the very loud A591 until the gate that leads you through the woods, walked down a very muddy path, walked across the bridge over the man-made dam, and sat down on a rock on the beach of the southernmost end of Grasmere Lake.

And I looked out over the gray water, under the gray hills, under the gray sky, and I had one of those moments when my heart slows down, and I try as hard as I can to make that picture permanent in my head. So beautiful. I probably would have taken a picture if I had brought a camera with me, but all I had was my Sunday notebook and a postcard. And it wasn't the kind of picture you could draw with a black pen on lined paper and truly preserve--it was the colors, and the wind, and the sounds... So I guess any kind of picture wouldn't have saved it. I'm glad I didn't take a picture.

I was alone, and I greedily ate that moment up like the last piece of anything that you find in the fridge when your family isn't home. So often when I'm alone I wish that I wasn't, and I feel like that's a failing in myself. I wish I was better at being alone. But today, I succeeded. I successfully had a moment when I wasn't jealous that everyone else in my life was doing something, somewhere without me. That's a big step for me.

I guess now is as good a place as ever to say I'm sorry to everyone that I have been a bad friend to. I realize that most people that I should tell that to won't see this here, but I am sorry. It's the thought that counts, right? I know what it's like to have bad friends and I'm sorry because I know I have hurt people like that before.

And I hope that everyone that ever lives on Earth is able to find a moment like I found today; when everything around you is beautiful to you, and you know that you are at peace.