Ma and Hodel

My mom will be here in less than four days. And I'm freaking out.

We skyped tonight like we sometimes do on Sunday, and I was normal (I made my Miranda Sings faces a lot and acted upset with my brothers for teasing me the whole time) but then we got off and I went into the kitchen to clean the stove top to impress her with how clean I can keep a kitchen, and I just started crying. Moms are the best in general, but mine is the best in the universe, and I miss her a lot all of the time. I mean, among other things, she's like one of the 5 people on Earth that I feel really comfortable hugging. I'm already getting anxious for when I'll have to say goodbye.

And then I felt guilty for always wanting to go far away and for planning my life in other countries knowing full well that my mom doesn't like flying anywhere that takes longer than 2 hours, and that you can't drive to Europe. I felt bad for being mad at her at the times I've been mad. And I know she'd tell me that she wants me to follow my dreams, but I can't help but feel like I should not follow my dreams if they would take me so far away. It's the hardest part of my dreams, to know that my mom will only be a text away, but also possibly hundreds of dollars in tickets away; and if I ever actually got settled so far away, God only knows how often I'd get to hug her.

So I naturally fell back to thinking about when Hodel (Fiddler on the Roof) leaves her family to go to Siberia because her dream is to marry Perchik. She says that in order to follow her dream to be with Perchik, she watches "older dream go dim." That line always sticks with me. Out of all the daughters in that family, I admire Hodel the most.

This is me dressed up like Hodel, because I've always been a big fan:

That was taken at a costume party, where all my friends were cute and I looked kind of Amish. The skirt was from the Trek, the thing on my head is a tea towel, and for a finishing touch I wore my then-10-years-old-brother's Sunday shoes.

It was a good night.

Also, Molly made this face-in-a-hole for me during our freshman year:

So, the goal I made after I could breathe out of my nose again is to look at my future with Hodel's courage to follow her dreams.

My more pressing goal is to get the house all in order and not dusty for when my mom gets here. SO EXCITED.